Vazirsingh’s Weblog

A decade has just gone and ended itself.Almost.

It promised a lot and delivered a lot.Almost

 

It started the Y2K and India IT export story, which continues like Juggernaut.Almost

It put me in the middle of a desert, gazing earnestly for the next oasis on the horizon.

I got there.Almost

 

For me Almost is the defining word if I had to sum up 10 years in one solitary single word.Almost

 

I spent almost all of it in the desert.Almost

My family grew the most quite symmetrically. One daughter each half decade.

I was a sales person for half a decade.Almost

The second half I was a presales person, doing the same things.Almost.

I also was drawing about the same money.Almost

 

I put on 30 kgs.Almost

I lost about 30 kgs.Almost

 

I owned a debt free house entering the millenium.I own a debt free house exiting the decade.

Size and location changed. Other things remain the same.Almost

 

I nearly quit.Almost

 

I wont look back in anger.Almost

I wont be sad to see you go.Almost

I wont be happy to see you go.Almost

 

I lost touch with most of my friends.Almost.

I made some new friends.Almost

I learnt the difference between fair weather and fair friends.Almost

I tried not to make enemies,and succeeded.Almost

 

I am hanging in there.Almost

 

I nearly lost faith in the age old principles on truth and falsehood, good and bad.Almost

I was given the sign like the messiah when on the hill. Almost

 

I did not get crucified,but did get to carry a cross.Almost

 

I nearly died at least once.Almost

 

But I lived life. The MOST.

 

Count your blessings at least as many times as your sufferings. Amen.

 

The faithful flock to the place of worship during prayer time for their communion with the maker. One afternoon I was driving on a holiday when I was suddenly cut by a car carrying a family load of people.For the fleeting moment my action could decide the course of a few lives.

 

I could keep on going straight as the right of way was mine. At 50-60 Kph, the other car which would be hit sideways would most possibly have human casulties/injuries as the cars have virtually no protection on the sides (the other car was trying to cut across 2 lanes and do a U turn just before a green signal light towards the place of worship).

 

I may have braked, but there was not enough separation, so a collision would still have occurred, only the degree of injuries may possibly be lesser.

 

Instinctively however, I veered left and accelerated so that I could squeeze my car ahead of the other car.

 

I succeded in avoiding a collision with the other car, as I got ahead of it. However the left front tyre of my car hit the divider with force & burst with impact.It was followed by the rear left tyre. My car was suddenly tottering on 2 tyres. It banked to the right. Momentum carried it forward and it hit the bankment on the right with the front right tyre. Since the force was somewhat dissipated by this time, this 3rd tyre was damaged minimally. The car carried on for a few metres before it stopped fully.

 

I was not angry. I was shocked. I was relieved.I was not afraid.I was a bit confused.

 

I got out of the car, the door needed a little push as it was bent a bit by the impact.

 

I had forgotten my mobile at home this day, this never happens to me,but fate/destiny had a role to play that day. I had realised that I had forgotten my mobile earlier.At that time I hoped that I would not have an accident, and continued with my grocery shopping. After that realisation, I had 2 close shaves on the road which I navigated with no accident. The third time was not so lucky. Hence I use the term fate/destiny. These close encounters may happen a couple of times in a year.But, three in a day???

 

As you realise there was a fraction of a second to decide.There were just 3 valid responses. Fate was kind that it made me choose the least damaging response.

 

My prayer goes out to the family and the gent driving the white car. May they live thier full lives. I understand that they could not stop and help as they had a bigger objective. To reach the prayer hall for thier communion with God. I thank God that he did not make me the instrument of hastening their communion & making it permanent.

 

My faith in humanity was reinforced by the 2 youngsters who enquired my well being and offered their mobile when they realised I was not carring one. They were enroute to the prayers when they chose to stop and offer help to a expat stranger speaking a foreign language. I then went to a cold store and requested the use of their phone. The gent refused to charge for the calls which I made. I am thankful for these mercies.

Dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah
Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-wah
Only the lonely

Only the lonely (dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah)
Know the way I feel tonight (ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah)
Only the lonely (dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah)
Know this feelin aint right (dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah)

There goes my baby
There goes my heart
Theyre gone forever
So far apart

But only the lonely
Know why
I cry
Only the lonely

Dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah
Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-wah
Only the lonely

Only the lonely
Know the heartaches Ive been through
Only the lonely
Know I cried and cried for you

Maybe tomorrow
A new romance
No more sorrow
But thats the chance – you gotta take
If your lonely heart breaks
Only the lonely

Dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah

I want to see how many minutes/hours/days I can live without anger entering my thoughts.

I think if I have this as a resolve then I hope that I can lengthen the periods without anger.

If I reach 21 days – month without experiencing anger then it will become a habit to not get angry.

Till that time I will try to stay away from situations which provide provocation.

I think I will also use the aid of laughing/grimacing/counting to help me out of such situations.

I am doing this not because I am angry generally. I am doing this to become a better person. As epictetus says to become a better person, you need to know that you are bad. I recognise anger as a vice. I also recognise that anger comes to me when I am confronted with manipulative behaviour,argumentative behaviour,disrespectful behaviour. Then I recognise that it is my "ego" which is generating this negative emotion, as it is affronted. manipulation denotes a position which is being undermined by someone.attachment to a position is ego. same with argument & respect. "No one can disrespect/insult me without my participation"

So I am trying to rein in my ego by self-mastery. It is said that resolves made in the sacred hour have better chances of introducing self-transformation. I will now journal the times I get angry.I will record the reasons. Eventually I want to get through about 21days-month without loosing my cool. After that I believe it will become a habit, so I can drop formal journalling daily, and just recount whenever it happens.

Wisdom of the ages suggest that we should do our duty, and not have consideration for the fruits of our efforts. Karma philosophy.

 

I have formed an opinion based on personal experience which I want to elaborate here. We may do good, and help people, and it could naturally lead to expectation of gratitude or at least acknowledgement.  But the more likely response is ingratitude, and hostility which is rather contrary to expectations.

I developed an opinion that the EGO feels belittled when help has to be taken from some-one else as it signifies a secondary/inferior position to the helper. So the EGO creates its own delusions and gets into denial mode. It is the defence of the self-image. This can result in negative behaviour.

 

Antisthenes- the founder of cynical philosophy, says it very well. "It is a kingly thing,O Cyrus, to do well and to be evil spoken of."

 

When we strive on the path of self improvement, salvation etc. then we do good deeds for they are good. We do not do good deeds in expectation of good in return, or fame or any benefit. We do good for our own selves. Our self-improvement,our salvation. So do not get dis-heartened when you do not get your dues,acknowledgement or worldly gain. You get paid in a higher currency which is not from this world.  

 

I have been making this statement that I am trying to be a better person. Then I was reading Epictetus and this saying sprang at me, "If you wish to be good,first believe that you are bad".One simple statement, but so relevent. It resonates deeply, as everyday I reflect and find areas for improvement. This blunt statement makes me acknowledge that I am bad in the areas where I need to improve.Only then can I meaningfully look at enduring change.

 

I realise for example, that I get offended somewhat easily when someone misbehaves. Now I have reached a stage where I have some control on my behaviour.Ideally I wish that I would not get affected. I realise that when I get the chance to reason, then I am fine, It is only when it is an emotional reaction that I feel that I am bad. I however will not deny my feelings and acknowledge that I need to be a better person. Only when I reach a stage that I will not get affected, will I be happy with myself.

 

As epictetus states, we have power over our actions, and they can be good or bad. We have no power over other’s actions, and they are neither good or bad. It is our mistake when we expect any good or bad from things which we have no power over. We need to accept it.

 

He also states that the world is a stage and we are playing characters written by the almighty. We play what is given to us.

 

 

I was unexpectedly thrust into higher studies for Bachelor of Engineering, but my desire at that stage was to study agriculture.

I scored 83% in Physics,Chemistry,Maths  and 75.5 % overall in my 12th board exam. It was a decent result back in 1985. I was the proverbial black sheep of my family, so it was a welcome surprise for my father.He had aspired to be an engineer himself, but faced difficulties due to family obligations. He applied his judgment and chose my path for me.

I went along and got admitted to a college in Nashik.It was really a town 40 kms away from Nashik.There was a sugar factory which gave the entire area an all pervading smell of molasses.There was no infrastructure. The students lived in concrete barracks which had beds  crammed like sardines, 3 persons in a 14×10 room. The teaching staff was nominal, and there were no text books for the first few months.Guys whiled their time away with various activities.Attending college was a low priority action.The whole setup was so awful that only 4 out of 150 students made the grade that year.I managed to do it by clearing 8 papers out of 10.However students and the colleges themselves protested resulting in the university taking an underwhelming step of allowing everyone to move up the class.The next year however it was the same story.

The college  moved to  Nashik city in my second year, it hired some space (5-6 rooms) in a commercial complex.There was no boarding facilities anymore.Here the students found more diversions with cinema-halls and the netherworld of the city.The staff improved a bit, the administration was tighter.However the results were no different that year.I was one of the two students to make the grade in Electronics.However the college could not start a class for just 2 students.My father and I  left for Pune and scouted various options.What I realised was that the institutes were commercial in nature and most were inclined to take advantage of the situation by demanding either donations, or kickbacks or advance fees.My father was willing to raise the money by getting loans,but I did not agree  to pay this penalty for  my successful results.I refused to get admission and spent one year teaching my collegemates without fees. Teaching came easily to me.This was informal and not official.I could not explain my decisions as people thought that I had lost it.I explained to the curious that I took a year off to cover up for the 4 subjects which were ATKT (allowed to keep term).

During this year I got the biggest lesson of my life.I got a medal that is etched so deep that it helps me steady myself whenever I have doubt.

I was approached one day by a group of friends during exam time.They had the next days exam paper which was being traded for money.I was offended, as I could not reconcile with the idea of cheating.This is not the education my father was trying to get me!!.However they thought I was refusing it for money.They offered it free, and requested me to provide answers.My reputation as a good student was the reason they had approached me in the first place.I refused, and walked away from them.Soon I was approached by my flatmates. They were in an awkard situation. They could not pass on their own, and a year was at stake for them unlike me.I had already secured the promotion and chosen to take a drop ed. I advised them to follow their  own choices.

later I came to know that Just 3-4 people could resist temptation.I spent the night wide awake.I wanted to take the next train home,as I was totally disillusioned with the world.There was no justice for a poor man’s son I thought. To succeed, you had to become as corrupt as the system, I thought.My anger found itself manifested through self-injury.I am Shiva I thought.I will drink the poison.I had to stay awake. My cigarette found its way to the base of my left thumb.It charred and burned the flesh.It kept me awake.I stopped when the friends from the other room smelt the flesh and intervened.

Some inner voice told me,do not run. It is easy to accept defeat.It is easy to cheat and succeed. No one cares.However we live with ourselves every momemt.We know.

I appeared for the exam in the state I was.I failed the exam by getting 36 marks instead of 40.I would have cleared comfortably if the events had not taken place.The entire class passed barring a handful of exceptions.

For me this was a success with distinction.I passed with flying colors, though I may have failed the paper.I have never cheated in an exam. There is no power in the world which will allow this son of a poor man to take shortcuts to success.There are not any.

The wound is losing its glory, and is getting assimilated with the background.Not many notice my medal.I look at it whenever the world’s corruption weighs me down, and I get recharged to take on the world.

I thank my parents for making me what I have become.I thank God for giving me self-belief. I thank the world for giving me the challenge.I thank my education for giving me character.

I thank my wife & friends for accepting me. My brother for supporting me.My sister and children for loving me unconditionally. In fact there are endless blessings to be thankful for.No one can take that away from me. Nothing will extinguish the flame of hope as long as my medal shines through.